Raw

Life

Welcome to me

Some days it feels like I’m an 80-year-old person trapped in a 36-year-old body.

My body is riddled with stories, pain, trauma, victories, losses, anxiety, depression, chemical imbalances, a hijacked amygdala, and slivers of hope that are lodged so deeply internally that I only ever remember them when they conjure up memories of the hope that has been lost.

My tattoos are stories that have helped cover and protect my inner child from the devastation life has offered me. They speak the things that I cannot. My 36-year-old self and my 2-year-old self are simultaneously trying to learn that people can be safe, but damn this is so explicitly tiring.

It seems I’ve put a million miles on this body and on this mind. The tireless fight to understand my worth is steeped in years of being shown by most that I’m unlovable unless I am exactly who they want and need me to be. If only you knew the relentless marathons that my thoughts have put me through.

I’m choosing to take the power back and continuously grapple with learning to love myself.

There’s still time for new stories to be written. There’s still time for genuine love to be found. There’s still time to teach my younger self that we can be safe in such an unforgiving world.

My kids used to be the only thing keeping me alive. However, I’m beginning to find true value and worth within myself. I can finally understand that I’m worth living for and fighting for simply as one who was given this opportunity to spread such unrelenting truth and fierce, soul-piercing love.

To my younger self:

We got this. We will find peace and love within ourselves before we find it in anything or anyone else. We will rise from the ashes that used to be so comforting.

The path we travel is treacherous, but it is our own, and it will lead us to safety even when it drags us through the deepest, darkest, and most painful elements of rock bottom.

Breathe in freedom and release the years of fear and brutal cycles of heartache.

I am enough.

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