A Soft Place To Land

I used to never allow myself to write anything I choose not to read. But I have read many things I swear I would never wish to write, so its merely a classic case of which comes first.

It had been exactly 214 days, 200 days if you’re a physicist, 180 days if you’re an accountant, 6 months if you’re human, or ages if you’re me. In that span of time with you I have always been able to see my days with just a tad bit more clarity. Those days were to me as 1950s were to air travel. Everything was so chaotically beautiful and prematurely put together. For the firs time I feel something genuinely good.

I have had a fair share of battles left untreated and relationships that went nuclear. It happened more often than I can count I just register it as how life chose to deal with me. I was to an extreme extent too used to the feeling of betrayal and evasion that receiving the love feels like a foreign language I had never thought to learn.

However, it came to unfold that it probably wasn’t love I thought myself into feeling. I could not help but to have flashbacks occuring to me showing signs of us parting ways and both oblivious and powerless to do anything. A big part of me is telling me that I should be held accountable for not trying harder. I can look for any books and ask any person and all will come saying I had nothing to blame myself for but why does it still feel like I have to?

We probably not the best fit when coincidence chooses not to play its cards. Neither of us can claim where we live as home, so there will always be an outcome that both of us know but have no idea how to communicate. But when excitement fades out and sparks of love dim, the only thing that any two people can hold on to is the fact that they can enjoy each other’s company through the most boring of moments. I think of it as an asset rather than a liability. I just honestly thought that I could end up with you, maybe its not going to be easy, but I have a strong feeling you will be worth the fight.

It was around day 165 that I realise things are starting to go downhill. I would constantly fool myself it is only because we were on top of a mountain summit that even if we want to hike to another one we would always need to walk down first. And even today I still think that. There is probably a good chance if it were up to me and a slight one to you that this is just us walking down to try to step on a higher summit.

It took me a long time to realise that love is as much an energy as energy itself. It was there, it transformed, and it will change form but never gone. I think that is the kind of thought I spent so much effort trying to convey. There is no version of love that dies, and blame me for clinging on the idea because that is the only way I could justify the people around me. They said they love me, so the only way they are acting otherwise is not because they no longer do, but because the energy of love in them simply changed form, just not to my odds. Whether it changes form or was it never really for me in the first place is yours to keep, as I could not make your heart feels what it simply would not. Though that being said, I will never blame you. You are the greatest ship that docked my port and nobody in their right mind should blame the very thing they are hoping ever so badly. Though in the words of J. Singer, “a heart is a terrible metaphor for love. Love is not a muscle, it cannot atrophy from lack of use.”

I guess anyone who knows me slightly well would have noticed how this was such an integral downturn. I am hidden and ignored, fearful and vengeful. Your presence may have not made it solvable, but it does made it easier. I never wish to hate you, and even though promises are dangerous to keep in times of dire, I will invest as much time and effort from my side to make sure I could think of you warmly.

Still, through all this I still found myself unable to accept this as it is. There has to be something I can do to fix us. I could not keep letting things go because I am not stubborn enough to fight for it, I hate losing people like this. I kept on thinking what would I do without you and there are parts of me that does not want to know the answer. I can see clouds blocking my sight and I know no storm lasts forever but what happens when I get used to the weather? I just wish time could move a little slower. You have given me safety and comfort, and I just feel like after all this time and you coming to that conclusion means that I fail to give you that.

My life has been a journey to find a soft place to land, sometimes they are few and far between. I will be thankful that I landed on you, although there will forever be a part of me that wishes I never took off.

Love, Day.

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